Returning to Me

Returning to Me:
A letter to Myself

“Age makes you more confident. When you realize that it’s time now to just do things. When there’s not the pressure to perform on some level of expectations, there’s more to just explore.” – Robin Williams

Dear Jewel,

I love you. It has taken me decades to know what that is and to mean it. We have been on am amazing journey together. Some days, you didn’t think you would make it and other days you were in aligned with the highest part of you.

Thank you for continuing. Thank you for not giving up on you. It isn’t always easy. You often critique yourself too harshly causing you to spiral backwards into the pool of depression. However, I have always known that you would not stay there…not you.

You are a seeker, an adventurer, a lover of life even when life did not appear to love you. You found truth and basked in it. Drank it like a new born baby and allowed it to nourish you. You are one of a kind.

This phase of life is awakening you to the essence of who you BE. Yes, there has been a shedding of layers for seasons now, but all to your highest good. You feel it, don’t you? You often don’t feel like you know which way you are going. You cannot determine if you are going in circles or standing still.

You, my dear, are expanding…in all directions. Your capacity to love is expanding. Your capacity for healing is expanding. Your sensitivity to Spirit has always been there, yet covered from time to time as you wallowed in your thoughts.

You know who you are, you know where you’re going. You are sure of it. Lean into it. Flow with it. The entire universe is open to you. Everything you seek, you will find. Everything you ask for you are already given. Rest in that.

-Self

*A conversation with my Inner Being

I am returning to JOY.

Over the past five years, I have found myself trapped in a whirlwind. Holding space for others and not making space for myself. Wanting to accomodate everyone but finding myself wanting to be alone more and more. It was wearing on me. I was DOING a lot and not BEING.

The project I started to learn how to love and communicate with my husband better ultimately became my prison. I felt like I needed to be ON all of the time. I felt like I needed to be perfect in my marriage because I had some insight and knowledge and I was holding space for others, but it became exhausting. I began losing so much of myself as I started a business for the book I authored and made the sales of my book my primary income.

Before I became an author, I was already an engineer, singer, photographer, videographer, reiki master, mediator and life coach (I’m sure I’m missing something). I left my career as an electrical engineer to embark on a journey of personal discovery. I had follow the rules I was given as a child and now I was an adult who could make her own decisions. With the support of my husband, I was able to express my creativity in a myriad of ways all while learning new ways to heal myself and others.

But over the past 5 years, I slowly but surely put down all of the things that I loved. I stopped singing…even around the house. I became very unhappy with photography & videography, I stopped accepting reiki clients and only coached a couple people.

I had become tired of people…or so I thought…

I was really tired of ME.

One thing that I value in my life is alignment. Alignment spiritually, emotionally, mentally…all of it.

Alignment is paramount.

And somehow I had lost sight of that. My focus on DOING was so great. I needed to vend, speak, make new contacts, try to learn how to write converting ads, show up on social media all the damn time and make sure that people knew who we were so that we could sustain our income and people could begin to get radically honest with themselves.

But the one thing that I know about life is that the lessons I teach I must be a practitioner of.

So after putting everything down I started to get quiet and ask my Inner Being questions. Was I really supposed to be focused on doing more (I knew the answer) and if not, how could I beginning focusing on being, step into the flow of my life, and allow my life to blossom before me? I liked the way the latter question felt.

It felt like ease.

It felt like rest.

It felt like my Inner Being was saying “now you’re getting it”.

I have been programmed to DO, perform, and produce all of my life. Directly and indirectly. Society yells it. Our well-meaning parents even perpetuate the dogma. But at some point in life it is imperative to tap into your Inner Being, into ancient wisdom, and allow your Spirit to guide you.

I have felt my Spirit’s nudging for a good portion of my life. My upbringing dictated what I called it, how I responded to it, and how I should feel about it. Little wiggle room for exploration. Just a set path.

As I got older and learned from different teachers, I learn that this was not the case. So I keep close what resonates with me and discard the rest. Alignment is a knowing. It is a beautiful place of joy and ease. There is so much love present when we sync up with our Spirit/Inner Being.

This is where I live now. I know for sure that I did not come to this planet alone. I didn’t come to this planet unequipped. Humanness has a way of covering up our sensors making it harder to discern our connection, but it is there.

Present.

Waiting.

Willing.

Loving.

It is there.

That is what I needed to remember. I needed to return to my Being. The true essence of myself. I understand that I am an expression of Spirit and we are in this life together…co-creating. Enjoying Life. Being.

This is my only focus. I must live from this place. It is home. It is safe. It is just right for me.

As I approach my 39th birthday (Nov. 28th if you’re wondering 😊), I am grateful for everything that I have been able to experience. All roads have led me here and I am excited for the manifestations I am experiencing even now.

Returning to Me: A letter to Myself